So, you are out of rehab, and well into your recovery process, rediscovering yourself and finding out what you are most passionate about, now that your life is open to the possibilities of doing much more than pursuing another high. However, for many people, going into a treatment program and working through the recovery process can lead to a lonely outcome, especially if some of the necessary life changes involve cutting out a whole host of people who have negatively influenced their lives over years.
While group meetings and sober living homes contribute to making new social contacts in sober circles, not everyone finds a good match through their treatment programs. These treatment programs help people in recovery be sociable with others and learn to trust one another to a certain degree, but they do not guarantee lasting friendship or aim to forge a powerful bond between people – healing bonds are important, but many support groups eventually wax and wane as people go off to find emotional support in other places, through family and other friends.
Finding your own friends while sober is important, especially if you have had to trim your social contacts down due to sobriety. However, without knowing where to start, this can be a difficult task.
Making Sober Friends
The key prerequisite to friends in and after recovery is their sobriety, at least around you. You are not going to be looking for drinking buddies, so preferably search in circles where people are already having fun and being sociable without alcohol.
The easiest way of ensuring you are looking for sober friends in sober places is by attending a wider breadth of group meetings and support groups all over your area. Expand your search to new places around town and see if you do not happen to run into interesting people. If not, there is always something new to learn from attending group meetings – they can help give you insight into your own addiction by way of someone else’s perspective.
Making Friends Outside of Recovery
Sober circles can be a great way to make sober friends, but it is still a narrow selection of people who might be interested in the same stuff as you. Workshops, events, and competitions are great places to meet people with similar interests to yours.
Focusing on your hobbies during recovery is part of the process, as well – it helps in finding ways to cope with stress without drug use or other negative, maladaptive coping mechanisms. In other words – try and have more fun, and you might find new friends along the way.
Quality Over Quantity
The goal is not to expand your Facebook friend list or make a friend for each day of the week – depending on your needs and sociability, one or two best friends and a handful of other friends is usually all you need in life.
It is important to meet with a lot of new people and be open to unexpected conversations and acquaintances, but do not expect to make half a dozen best friends by forcing yourself to meet more people. Be natural about it – see where things go. Friends are a matter of chemistry and mutual interests, not persistence.
Focus on The Activity
Nobody goes to the gym to make friends, or heads to a convention looking to meet their BFF. Rather than focusing strictly on making friends, just focus on getting out more often. Do not be afraid of social contact, and do not be afraid of introducing yourself to strangers – in time, you will find the right people for you.
Until then, the goal is to:
Try to Be Social
If you hate going out, then force yourself to go out just a little bit. Being social is key to meeting people, and even if it goes against your nature, you will often surprise yourself with how pleasant it can be to meet interesting people in interesting places, especially the kind where people with the same passions and interests as you mingle.
Take your week and find the time to do something outside of your own home. It could be something as simple as running an errand and checking out a cool club or activity on the weekend or joining a new gym or heading to a new park for a morning/afternoon jog a few times a week. From there, it is just a matter of warming up to the idea of talking up strangers and learning more about them.
It’s Okay to Struggle
There is a lot of pressure on people with addiction to get better. Typically, there are people who care for you – your parents, family, friends. They want you to get better, and many steps towards getting better involve getting uncomfortable, and watching things get tougher before they get easier.
Sometimes, you struggle and do not manage to follow through on a step or achieve a goal the first time around. Your first foray into meeting new people or trying something out might not go according to plan, or you might not meet anyone, or you might not go to a meeting you were supposed to go to.
There are countless reasons why things might not pan out, but it is important to deal with the aftermath in a useful and productive way. Beating yourself up over it and turning the situation into a combination of a guilt trip and a pity party will only make things worse, increase the trauma, and lead to a reluctance to try again. But pushing yourself too hard might just backfire as well.
Try to remember what the goal is and try to ask yourself if you are truly dedicated towards it – if the answer is yes, then just proceed at a pace you are more comfortable with. Do not push for too many events and social outings in a single week. Try with just one and see where it goes. Instead of diving head first into the whole making friends thing, dip your toes in it a few times.
It will get massively easier with time, especially after the first few times that you meet someone fun or interesting. Going at your own pace is important, because not everyone is very sociable – some people prefer to spend more time on their own, while others love being surrounded with people, and naturally make friends. Find a balance where you can be with others and have time to be alone and reflect on your recovery.