Sex addiction can devastate your life. It compromises your relationships, has the potential to put you in serious physical danger, and can even convince you to take actions you’d never otherwise engage in – like cheating on a long-term partner. It breaks up marriages, sabotages families, and drives a wedge between friends. It can also steal your ability to date for years – leaving you seriously lost and confused when you begin once again.
Dating as a sex addict is very different from dating as an average person. Much like an alcoholic who works in a bar, it is possible, but only with a steadfast dedication to work your recovery plan and stay accountable along the way. It is immensely easy to slip into bad habits and cross-addictions (like love addiction) along the way.
This, unfortunately, very often leads recovering sex addicts to avoid meaningful relationships altogether, sometimes for years or even decades.
Make no mistake: early recovery – regardless of which addiction you struggle with – is certainly not the best time to test the dating waters. But if you have years of reliable recovery under your belt, and your care team is confident in your ability to manage your addiction while dating, there’s nothing wrong with getting out there again. Figuring out how to do that in a way that’s healthy and positive?
Well…that can admittedly feel a bit awkward.
Recognize That Dating Is Awkward for Everyone
If you’re finding it difficult to manage awkward feelings, understand that this is really not something specific to the sex addict. Everyone experiences awkwardness, uncomfortable moments of silence, and squirm-worthy early relationship milestones like discussing your sexual or relationship history. Someone will inevitably spill a drink, drop pasta on their shirt, or say something completely inappropriate eventually – all you can do when this happens innocently is laugh it off.
The first date or two is especially nerve-jangling, especially if you and your date are just meeting for the first time or don’t have a past friendship to rely on.
Go into dating with the understanding that it will occasionally be awkward (and that’s okay). Don’t push those feelings down; instead, take stock of them. Write them down in a diary or discuss them in advance with your group or therapist. Work through them and develop healthy coping mechanisms rather than slipping into old behaviors (like being overly sexual too soon).
The awkwardness in early dating can actually be a learning experience; it teaches you much about what you want, what you don’t want, and what’s best for you – but only if you’re paying attention.
Be Honest about Your Motivations
Following healthy dating safety guidelines is a must. That means being honest with yourself about how your date makes you feel, how things are progressing, and whether or not you want to develop things further or are just seeking sex. Question your motivation regularly and be willing to admit when you’ve faltered.
Are you really attracted to them, or just slipping into old patterns? Are you considering sex on the first date, and if so, what’s motivating you to do that? Perhaps you find yourself going to bars and other high-risk locations; if so, why? Rushing things is often an indicator that you’re slipping back into your addiction – and that can go from bad to worse fast.
To be clear, sex early within the relationship (or often) isn’t always negative. There is no shame in enjoying a healthy, robust sex life, at least not when you go about it the right way and for the right reasons. And yes – even recovering sex addicts can go on to have healthy sexual relationships in the future.
Safety and Dating
For the recovering sex addict, there is a tendency to rush into relationships (or even just into sex) without paying careful attention to subtle red flags. Beware avoiding serious issues just for the sake of instant gratification. Doing so can place you in harm’s way, either right away or somewhere in the not-too-distant future. You might overlook a date’s pushy, brash attitude, or allow someone to convince you to have sex early on in the relationship. Or, a date might treat you poorly, but as they demonstrate sexual interest, you let it slide.
Having respect for your safety (and that of your date is a must for recovering sex addicts.
Start with basic dating safety guidelines:
- Always meet in public for at least the first handful of dates; if something goes wrong, you’ll have other people around you to help.
- Be sure that someone (whether it’s your mother or your support group) knows where you’re going, when you’re going, and when you can expect to be back.
- If you carry a smartphone, have a friend text you mid-date to confirm that everything is going okay.
- Be honest with your motivations. If a date asks for sex, and you’re not ready, say so and stick with your decision.
- Pay close attention to how your date treats waiters, ushers, and other service staff. This is almost always a predictor of how they will treat you.
Sometimes the issue is not about sex, but about avoiding red flags simply for the sake of intimacy. Are they overly sexual or aggressive? Are they pressuring you to go to a more private location when you’re not sure you’re ready? If so, it’s okay to cut your losses and end the date. Walking away is better than putting yourself in a potentially dangerous situation.
Pace Yourself
Variety is the spice of life. In that vein, dating multiple people before you settle into a long-term relationship can be very healthy. Along the way, you’ll learn exactly what it is you want from a relationship, what you don’t want, and where your boundaries lie. This is a healthy, positive thing, especially for sex addicts who may be relearning how to have healthy relationships in the first place.
That said, don’t let your new foray into dating rush you. Pacing yourself is important; seeing a different person every night of the week is more likely to be indicative of addictive behaviors than of a genuine willingness to form healthy relationships.
That’s especially true when multiple dates end with some form of intimacy. For as much as the media will tell you that dating is a “game,” the reality is that healthy dating requires time to digest the experience had on each date so that you can determine how you feel about it.
There are no hard and firm numbers here, but if you’re scheduling more than a date or two a week, bring it up with your support network. Talk about what’s motivating you. That’s where abject transparency comes in.
Transparency: The Sex Addict’s Most Important Tool
In an everyday dating situation, you would be solely responsible for factors like choosing a partner, deciding what to disclose to them of your sexual history, or deciding when to take your relationship to the next level. As a recovering sex addict, you must be willing to admit that your decision-making process could be influenced by addiction, and thus, might be biased or unhealthy. Transparency – not just to yourself, but to one or more persons outside of yourself – is one of the most important tools you have for maintaining healthy relationships.
That’s usually where support groups (or in some cases, therapists) come in.
Before you start dating, reevaluate your support network. Do you have people who you can talk to, people who you can relate to and who will understand your struggles? Are you absolutely willing to bring up issues of intimacy with them when they arise? If the answer is no, bolster your support network first.
Find a Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA) group, a local support group, or a therapist who can be a stop check your emotions and motivations along the way. Work out a recovery plan and follow it to the letter before and during your dating experience. If you catch yourself being dishonest, either about your feelings or about something that happened on a date, report it back to your trusted support group as quickly as possible.
Getting the support you need as a sex addict is the best way to achieve your goals, be they simple sobriety or meaningful future relationships. Understand that slips and intimacy problems aren’t just probable; just as with any addiction, they’re nearly guaranteed. That doesn’t mean you won’t be successful – it just means you need to be willing to stick with it long-term to see the results. That isn’t always easy when you’re used to instant gratification, but it’s very worthwhile. Practicing honesty while ensuring that you have sobriety support in place is the best way to dust yourself off and recommit to your recovery plan.
If you’re struggling with sex addiction and don’t know where to turn, contact us today to see how we can help: 877-394-8810